Friendly but not friends: Balancing formal and informal relationships with pupils

Posted by Paul Dix on 30 March 2012 | 0 Comments

First published in Independent Schools Magazine in 2009.

Building a lasting professional relationship that meets the needs of the teacher and pupil is a balancing act that requires the skill and experience of a high wire act.

Any fool can befriend a pupil at the expense of their own dignity, ‘Call me Bob'; at the expense of other members of staff, ‘I don't much like him either'; or at the expense of their own pocket ‘Take this golden ipod as a reward/gift/bribe for your efforts'. A relationship that is based on a pseudo ‘friendship' can jog along quite happily until the moment where the frustrations of learning need to be addressed, when deadlines must be kept and when behaviour wobbles. Most of us accept our friends for what they are without attempting to draw the boundaries for them. In a learning environment boundaries must be drawn and friendship blurs the boundaries sending mixed messages to your pupils.

Mutual trust and respect are earned not bestowed. It is not about trying to get ‘down with the kids'. Get the image of the teacher in a baseball cap, skipping up to a gnarled group of year 10 pupils with a, ‘Yo, dis new Phil Collins is safe man', out of your head. It is certainly not what I am suggesting although it would be fun to watch. There are learning and behaviour boundaries that you expect your students to adhere to. So it goes with teacher/pupil relationships.

‘Parent on the shoulder' is a useful guide to check that your conversations with students are appropriate and the relationship professional one. Imagine that, regardless of the context in which you are in, your conversations can be overheard by the child's parent. With this level of self awareness you will not go far wrong. More importantly you will not go too far or divulge too much. Some children do not understand why there must be such boundaries, some are just excited to get to know you better, some deliberately try to overstep the mark and gain information in order to achieve an advantage. Revealing too much about your personal and social life may score some cool points with Trevor in year 9, but can be easily misinterpreted and misreported. In an increasingly litigious society where child protection is uppermost in the minds of parents you do not want to risk being misinterpreted.

For some pupils you will need to define your boundaries and expectations of a professional relationship. This is particularly pertinent on school trips and visits where the expectations can change as more of your personal routines are revealed. In a digital context, where more private communication is the norm, these boundaries may need to be drawn with a thicker line. Myspace, Bebo and Facebook are for friends, not for teachers and pupils.

Building mutual trust with pupils is not just a core responsibility of the teacher but is the foundation for the forth R, Rapport. Seasoned professionals know that the key is to be friendly and not friends, to be honest but not reveal personal lives and to be open but not transparent.