Pulling, punching, biting and shoving

Posted by Paul Dix on 27 January 2012 | 1 Comments

This article was originally published in Teach Nursery Magazine in January 2011.

Some children bite. Some push, shove and punch. Some children pull hair, pinch slap and scratch. Some adults do too! Even with the keenest vigilance and the deftest diversionary techniques it is not possible to predict or preempt every incident. If you find yourself dealing with 3 yr olds in attack mode there are simple things you can do to protect the children, yourself and the parents (from each other!).

Some children who get dramatic responses to aggressive behaviour thrive on the immediacy and volume of attention. Your behaviour may not have provoked the aggression but it does determine the length, intensity and level of it. Your immediate response to aggressive behaviour must be planned and consistent. Fast consequences are essential. Quick, calm, assertive intervention works well. Disentangle the children. Your physical intervention must be driven by the right intention and use the minimum possible force. Send, lead or guide the protagonist away from the group. Make sure your ‘No' has impact but not anger. Leave the child alone to stew/cry/stamp/shout/write to their MP etc. Turn your attention back to the child who has been attacked. Only return to the angry child as the emotion subsides. You may have to accelerate this, ‘I'll speak to you when you stop crying/screaming/chewing the stairs' etc. Now repeat the rule. ‘Hands down' or ‘No biting'. Repeat it three times with eye contact and all the assertive energy you can muster. Now run through your ritual, why have I sat you here?, which rule did you break ? what do you need to do now. Use the same script every time. Make your response to the behaviour utterly predictable, safe, yet effective.

Before you decide if the apology will be immediate or delayed until the dust has settled, write down what happened without emotion or judgment. Do it as soon as you possibly can after the incident. How you manage the incident is likely to be examined closely. Make sure that you routinely record, report and if necessary refer aggressive behaviours that result in physical injury. Now reinforce the good behaviour of children who helped, children who stayed calm and reassure those who were worried by it. Now you have dealt with the easy bit, you need to think about dealing with the parents!

The initial shock of being handed back your child with new markings/tatoos/battle scars is enough to cause an emotional response from the calmest parents. Parents can be tempted to try and find someone to blame. Blaming the child seems unfair so the other parents, adults and organisation can all come in the firing line. When you speak to the parents of the aggressor use the same unemotional nonjudgmental tone that you used in your report. Seek a practical agreement from parents resisting the temptation to search for reason. Explain your consistent routine response to aggressive behaviour and see if this could be replicated at home. Is there a shared language that you can use? Is there a ritual that you could both agree to? Repetition and consistency works. Linking what happens at home and at school works even faster.

With the parents of the victim don't make the mistake of making light of the situation. It may be only a scratch but a scratch to one parent is GBH to another. Explain in detail exactly what happened, what you did and what you intend to do in the future. Take time to reveal the steps you will take to keep their child safe. Reassure them with your detailed record keeping, clear plan and rational thinking. Avoid being drawn into any judgment on the other child, parent or on their parenting skills. It will only come back to haunt you.

Through these early experiences many expectations are set and labels begin to form. Observing a group of 3 year olds the other day I was told, ‘That one, that one, that one and that one....trouble today and they will be trouble tomorrow'. Behaviour labels stick quickly but don't come off easily. As you try to manage the fall out from quite nasty incidents resist the natural urge to wrap identity and behaviour into one neat label. A few bitey children grow up into bitey adults. Most grow out of aggressive behaviour in weeks or months. Skilled adults separate the behaviour from the child and deal with it. They discourage labels from developing knowing that with persistence and determination the behaviour will change. They manage the most shocking behaviours with a steely assertiveness that gives leaves the bitey child with something to chew on.